Shaming

Standard

~Updated~

First, my father hits me up. I haven’t talked to him in at least six years. Out of the blue, he messages me on Facebook. How is that possible? I blocked him on there. And last I talked to him, his message to me was the same:

“I never imagined that your intelligence would lead you to abandon your veil and modesty and to follow satan. Life is short and what’s in store in the afterlife is much better and everlasting. Who is that in your photo? Is he your husband and is he a muslim? I pray for your repentance.”

IMG_3023

No, “Hi there my daughter! I haven’t talked to you in years. How are you? I miss you. What are you doing with your life? How is your career going?” None of that. Because he doesn’t care about his daughter, he only cares about how she will tarnish his already tarnished image.

Then an uncle I haven’t seen or talked to in over eight years, and have never had a relationship with, hits me up on Facebook. (What is up with these relatives and Facebook?)

His message is the same, and much more hurtful: “A black slave is even too much for you (because you deserve nothing), change your name because hell needs more of your kind and his kind for preferring him over your own dad!”

IMG_3022

No, “Hey it’s your uncle in Jordan! How are you? It’s been so long! My kids are in college now! What are you doing with your life? Catch me up on everything you’ve been up to! Who is this handsome man in your pictures? I hope you’re happy together!” Nope, none of that.

My sister recently posted a selfie on Facebook- just a regular one shoulders up with beautiful smile. The same uncle sent her this: “I’m not honored to know someone who mistreats their parents, and those who mistreat their own, will not be of any good to others. You bit the hand that fed you (aka father).” (We’ve both blocked this uncle since these attacks.)

IMG_3034-0

It just boggles my mind that people who have nothing to do with me or my sister think they have every right to shame us. They were never there for us, so they do not deserve the right to even offer advice. The only thing I can do now is try to live my life and ignore the haters. Even if they are my own flesh and blood. There is no reasoning with them. They’ve never changed and never will.

Promise to myself: I will not be shamed, anymore than I already have, into doing things because “they” tell me. I will not be controlled by misogynistic, racist and sexist men any longer who twist their faith to suit them (I know my religion does not condone any of this behavior). I will continue to be empowered through my faith and lead my life as holistically and lovingly as possible.

Advertisements

11 responses »

    • Thank you for your observation. That was my reaction exactly to those comments. But I couldn’t blame them. They just can’t accept someone who is shattering their image of who and what my family was/is.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Yea, and I get that. But no family or person is perfect, and we all have skeletons in our metaphorical closets. No one ever really knows what goes on behind closed doors except for the people behind them. I’m sure the people commenting have things in their private lives that no one outside their immediate families knows about.

        Liked by 1 person

  1. Asslam Alykom Kholoud…

    Allow me to comment on this topic,,,
    First, are you sure that your father is the one who left you more than 6 years! Or are you left him voluntarily? !!
    In fact, what do you expect from your father say that this talk is to see you after so after 6 years, put yourself in his place; what do you think?
    Your father, who tired you for more than 20 years on what I expect and the best in your education to abide by the orders of God in order to survive you from the fire of hell!
    Do not you blame him because he did not tell you how are you or miss you, because in the first case of severe shock, and second, because he said you should ask him every day as God honoring one’s parents a hurry, even if they are Jewish !!
    In the end I would like to retrograde yourself and think over what will you say to God for the kindness of your father, or hijjab, which for abandoning the minimum ephemeral
    These are some verses of the Quran on the necessity of the hijjab
    وَقُل لِّلْمُؤْمِنَاتِ يَغْضُضْنَ مِنْ أَبْصَارِهِنَّ وَيَحْفَظْنَ فُرُوجَهُنَّ وَلَا يُبْدِينَ زِينَتَهُنَّ إِلَّا مَا ظَهَرَ مِنْهَا وَلْيَضْرِبْنَ بِخُمُرِهِنَّ عَلَىٰ جُيُوبِهِنَّ وَلَا يُبْدِينَ زِينَتَهُنَّ إِلَّا لِبُعُولَتِهِنَّ أَوْ آبَائِهِنَّ أَوْ آبَاءِ بُعُولَتِهِنَّ أَوْ أَبْنَائِهِنَّ أَوْ أَبْنَاءِ بُعُولَتِهِنَّ أَوْ إِخْوَانِهِنَّ أَوْ بَنِي إِخْوَانِهِنَّ أَوْ بَنِي أَخَوَاتِهِنَّ أَوْ نِسَائِهِنَّ أَوْ مَا مَلَكَتْ أَيْمَانُهُنَّ أَوِ التَّابِعِينَ غَيْرِ أُولِي الْإِرْبَةِ مِنَ الرِّجَالِ أَوِ الطِّفْلِ الَّذِينَ لَمْ يَظْهَرُوا عَلَىٰ عَوْرَاتِ النِّسَاءِ وَلَا يَضْرِبْنَ بِأَرْجُلِهِنَّ لِيُعْلَمَ مَا يُخْفِينَ مِن زِينَتِهِنَّ وَتُوبُوا إِلَى اللَّهِ جَمِيعًا أَيُّهَ الْمُؤْمِنُونَ لَعَلَّكُمْ تُفْلِحُونَ
    And say to the believing women that they cast down their looks and guard their private parts and do not display their ornaments except what appears thereof, and let them wear their head-coverings over their bosoms, and not display their ornaments except to their husbands or their fathers, or the fathers of their husbands, or their sons, or the sons of their husbands, or their brothers, or their brothers’ sons, or their sisters’ sons, or their women, or those whom their right hands possess, or the male servants not having need (of women), or the children who have not attained knowledge of what is hidden of women; and let them not strike their feet so that what they hide of their ornaments may be known; and turn to Allah all of you, O believers! so that you may be successful.
    وحديث النبي محمد عليه السلام عن صنفان من اهل النار :
    ثبت عن النبي صلى الله عليه وسلم أنه قال : ” صنفان من أهل النار لم أرهما بعد : رجال معهم سياط كأذناب البقر يضربون بها الناس ، ونساء كاسيات عاريات مائلات مميلات على رؤوسهن كأسنمة البخت المائلة ، لا يدخلن الجنة ولا يجد ريحها ، وإن ريحها ليوجد من مسيرة كذا وكذا ” رواه أحمد ومسلم في الصحيح

    Like

  2. السلام عليكم خلود
    لا أدري ما الذي حدث , ولكني متأكده ان والديك يحبانك جدا , , ان شاء الله حينما يرزقك الله بطفل ستعلمي كم هي المعاناة التي عاناها والديك وكم هو مقدار الحب الذي يحملانه لك في قلوبهما. حاولي تذكر الأيام الجميله التي حاولا فيها أسعادك . لقد التقيت بوالدتك يوما . واحمل لها كل التقدير والاحترام . , ستعرفي حتما انها تعبت جدا . خاصة وان لديها الكثير من الأبناء . ان شاء الله ستعلمي قريبا كم هو المجهود الذي بذلاه من أجل ان يوصلانك الى ما يعتقدان فيه انه سبب سعادتك في الدنيا والاخره . من الممكن انهما أخطأ في الأسلوب ولكننا جميعا نخطئ . كلام والدك كان من قلب مجروج . اما عمك فقد اخطأ تماما في الأسلوب
    لقد زرتكم قبل 14 عاما ورأيت اهتمام والدتكم بكن . كان في غرفتك اعمالا يدويه صنعتيها ومن ضمنها كاس زجاجي بداخله شمع وزهور
    اسأل الله لك السعادة في الدنيا والأخره

    Like

  3. Hi,
    Interesting article :). Just from a different perspective, consider that your dad sees hijab as an essential form of modesty and it breaks his heart to see you not wearing it. In Islam, most, if not all scholars agree that hijab is an obligation. Let me make it clear I do not agree of any act of shaming (but it is different when it comes to parents ), A person who shames another holds more imperfections than that person as the act of shaming comes from arrogance and Allah says a person who has an ounce of arogance in his heart will not enter paradise. As for your uncle I completely agree he has no right to speak in this barbaric way, it’s hurtful and unnecassary. I just want to add that I don’t believe you should block your dad in Facebook,  from my humble opinion because our religion doss teach that we should always respect our parents regardless (only if they ask you to disbelieve then do not listen -though the respect element still applies) , there is another hadith which states that even if your parent oppresses you should act goodly towards them. I don’t think you should assume your father is just trying to improve his image by fixing up yours, I don’t know much about your life and forgive me if I said anything out of line. But you did say that your dad wasn’t there for 6 years, but what about the rest of the years of your life. I wish you best of  luck .
    Thank-you!

    Like

  4. This is really heartbreaking. I’ve been fighting off a similar shame from similar parents for similar reasons. The pain that stems from it is intense. I feel you.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Pingback: Blessings | TheKloude.

  6. I read your last blog post about the question your mother asked tou about your sisters and their faith. The pressure the world puts on anyone who decides to walk by any faith or religion can be overwhelming but to face that ridicule from your home is adding salt to the wound. I’m glad that you are staying in control of your life. Your strength and courage is admirable and inspiring.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s