Category Archives: Love & Loss

A Relationship That Lasts?

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I’m sure the internet is riddled with formulas and fixes for relationships. I’ve just entered a new relationship after two years of being single. I’m very mindful of my past mistakes. I’m also very aware of my limits and standards. I’ve realized for a relationship to have the potential to last it needs to have the following three traits-

It needs to be mutual. It needs to be healthy. It must be real.

It’s mutual.

I’m realizing in order for a relationship to truly have a chance, we must be on the same page in our expectations and our needs. We have to want similar things. We have to envision a similar future. We also must keep in mind that our needs may change over time. Therefore, we have to consistently check in and communicate these desires with one another. That way we’re able to consciously be mutual in our love.

It’s healthy.

Another thing a relationship must be is healthy. Drama can occur, but it shouldn’t be the norm. We must desire to uplift and nurture one another. We must have that intention behind our actions and our words. Always. Knowing the needs of our partner gives us the key to keeping our relationship healthy. So long as we know what our partner desires we can help motivate and encourage them on that path.

It’s real.

I often get so caught up with my ideal and what I want a person to be that I lose sight of who they really are. That’s why my past relationships failed. I settled for men that were not on my level- in their intellect, in their maturity, nor in their drive or motivation. Therefore, I constantly battled what was real with who I needed them to be. Needless to say, I was consistently disappointed: they never rose to meet my expectations. And I’m glad they couldn’t. Because that opened up the path to finding the man I’m intended for. He surpasses my expectations and matches me in his intellect, his maturity, and his drive. I no longer have to waste my efforts into molding this man into what I need but instead we get to truly enjoy one another for who we actually are. He is real. And I don’t need to adjust my ideals or my expectations. Obviously, in return I must be real; I must be what he needs; and I must also meet the ideals he has for his partner.

All three of these build on one another.

They’re intertwined and interwoven within the fabric of a relationship that has potential.

It’s mutual. It’s healthy. It’s real.

For always.

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Shaming

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~Updated~

First, my father hits me up. I haven’t talked to him in at least six years. Out of the blue, he messages me on Facebook. How is that possible? I blocked him on there. And last I talked to him, his message to me was the same:

“I never imagined that your intelligence would lead you to abandon your veil and modesty and to follow satan. Life is short and what’s in store in the afterlife is much better and everlasting. Who is that in your photo? Is he your husband and is he a muslim? I pray for your repentance.”

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No, “Hi there my daughter! I haven’t talked to you in years. How are you? I miss you. What are you doing with your life? How is your career going?” None of that. Because he doesn’t care about his daughter, he only cares about how she will tarnish his already tarnished image.

Then an uncle I haven’t seen or talked to in over eight years, and have never had a relationship with, hits me up on Facebook. (What is up with these relatives and Facebook?)

His message is the same, and much more hurtful: “A black slave is even too much for you (because you deserve nothing), change your name because hell needs more of your kind and his kind for preferring him over your own dad!”

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No, “Hey it’s your uncle in Jordan! How are you? It’s been so long! My kids are in college now! What are you doing with your life? Catch me up on everything you’ve been up to! Who is this handsome man in your pictures? I hope you’re happy together!” Nope, none of that.

My sister recently posted a selfie on Facebook- just a regular one shoulders up with beautiful smile. The same uncle sent her this: “I’m not honored to know someone who mistreats their parents, and those who mistreat their own, will not be of any good to others. You bit the hand that fed you (aka father).” (We’ve both blocked this uncle since these attacks.)

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It just boggles my mind that people who have nothing to do with me or my sister think they have every right to shame us. They were never there for us, so they do not deserve the right to even offer advice. The only thing I can do now is try to live my life and ignore the haters. Even if they are my own flesh and blood. There is no reasoning with them. They’ve never changed and never will.

Promise to myself: I will not be shamed, anymore than I already have, into doing things because “they” tell me. I will not be controlled by misogynistic, racist and sexist men any longer who twist their faith to suit them (I know my religion does not condone any of this behavior). I will continue to be empowered through my faith and lead my life as holistically and lovingly as possible.

Diamonds are Temporary

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My parents never had a ring to symbolize their love. Even though they did end up divorcing 25 years into their marriage. But that’s not the point.

I’ve never understood the seriousness people put on things that are considered “traditional” in a marriage. Mainly the engagement/wedding ring. First of all, since when did diamonds become so important and integral to an engagement? The first thing anyone asks when they find out she just got engaged is “Can I see it?”

It being the diamond on the ring. For a moment, no one cares about anything else but judging the foundation of the relationship & the closeness of the two by looking at how big the diamond is. I, myself have done this before.

Some take it even further and instantly begin to bet against themselves as to how long the marriage will last based on nothing else but the diamond on that ring finger.

I can only imagine the stress and anxiety this creates for a man who is truly in love with his woman but just can’t seem to live up to society’s expectations. Is the rock big enough for her, for her family, for her friends and for his family and his friends?

We’re made to believe that the diamond engagement ring is a tradition- something that’s been happening for at least a few hundred years. Call me old fashioned, but it’s more “new fashioned” to give a diamond engagement ring.

Yes, the engagement ring can be traced all the way back to ancient Roman and ancient Egyptian times. But they had nothing to do with diamonds. Even some of them were just simple iron rings. A way to quickly and with the least amount of embarrassment know who is “taken” and who “available”.

Besides, why is everyone glossing over the fact that diamonds are cheap. There’s plenty of them to go around. I’ve actually heard that rubies are one of the rarest gems available. Why aren’t rubies more expensive? More hyped up? More sought after?

And then there’s the issue of the diamond itself. It’s clear. Colorless. Boring. And just about every married woman out there either has one or resents her husband/wife for not getting her one.

Why would any woman want to be exactly like the next? Why not give unique rings that show the couple’s personality with a multitude of color and different metals?

Are women so gullible that we are so easily swayed by being told what we should “want” and “expect” for our “big day”? Media is all over that sh*t. Force feeding little girls that she’s truly found love when s/he gives her that huge diamond and the glorious wedding that comes with it (but that’s another post).

Is that really what true love and happily ever after are all about- how big that diamond is? I’d like to think not.