Tag Archives: inner demons

Self Love: Under Construction


It’s impossible to be 100% confident and secure in yourself 100% of the time. And this week, I hit a few bumps on my continuous journey of self love.

Up until about four or five years ago, I had very little self esteem and zero self worth. The last five years have been a rollercoaster ride as I worked on building a healthier relationship with my body and altering my mindset. In the last year or two, I’ve made great strides.

This does not mean that I don’t have my down days. And yesterday was one of them. I slipped back into my self hating mindset and saw nothing beautiful when I looked in the mirror.

Despite this bout of depressed thinking, I still went to the gym and attempted to go about my day as best as I could.

This morning, I woke up feeling better, but I didn’t forget my relapse. The issue with us is when we relapse we convince ourselves that we slid all the way back to square one and so give up.

But what I’ve learned over the years is that it’s natural to relapse. And it’s ok to feel beat down. However, we MUST keep trying and keep moving forward. My relapses are much shorter now and I don’t slide back as far when I do.

Every new day is just that- a new day. We have to pick ourselves back up, dust off our knees, and keep going because our happiness is at stake.

We only have one body to live in. And one life to live. Love your body and live your life so that in the end one life enough. Self hate has no room here; it may visit once in a while, but it’s never allowed to stay.


Spring Break Anxieties


This spring break I’ll be visiting my sisters in southern California. It goes without saying that I’m really excited to see my three sisters. 

So why am I also dreading this family reunion?

I’m anxious mainly because I know we will be judging each other. Whether we like it or not, we have always been competitive to the point we revelled in our siblings’ failures. Though our lives are so different today and there is no reason to judge, the residue of the habit is hard to get rid of. 

I think I’m most anxious because I wonder what they’ll think of me. Will they comment to one another when I’m out of earshot that I’ve gained weight? That my hair’s too thin? Will they remark on my outfits? Will they comment on how deep the circles under my eyes are? 

I think each of them is just absolutely gorgeous and since the last time I really spent time with them was back when they were much younger, I really don’t have much to compare them to. And I don’t want to compare them to begin with. I want to get to know them as adults and work on building a stronger relationship now that we’re older. 

Maybe we’re just more critical of ourselves and I’m projecting my insecurities on to them. I hope I am. Because I just want to have fun with them and build our relationships anew. 

A Letter To My Mom & I Hope She Doesn’t Read It.

A Letter To My Mom & I Hope She Doesn’t Read It.

My mother asked me a question recently that I conveniently ignored. However, it’s been weighing on my mind for quite some days now.

She asked me why my sisters are straying from our beliefs and faith so much. She asked it as if she had no idea where she went wrong. In my mind, I wanted to shake her and my father as well. Yet, I had no idea how to answer her.

The conservative in me still cringes when I see my sisters’ Instagram posts. Pictures of them in various states of undress- yet no more undressed than your average American. Just in a state that my religion (or those who follow it) would balk at and have a hissy fit. But I couldn’t blame them. They were free to finally make up their mind. To do things their own way. To follow what they chose. Yet, a part of me still cringed at the images and I didn’t know why. I wasn’t any better than them. I wasn’t more religious or conservative.

Then it came to me. In my mind I whispered to her, Do you not see? You and father crushed us. You oppressed us. You took away our sense of individuality. You made us feel shabby and ugly. You made us wish we were like “normal” American families because they had simple freedoms- like the right to formulate their own opinions, like the permission to wear makeup. Don’t you see? You pulled the rubber band so far back that the only path it had was to the ultimate extreme opposite of what you were trying to teach us.

As I spoke, I became more confident in what I was saying, as if the lightbulb of my brain went Aha! I continued with a steadier, stronger voice, We weren’t being taught humility as you thought- we were being taught conformity. We weren’t being taught pride in our faith, we were being taught contempt of others. We weren’t being taught love, we were being taught fear. How else do you expect us to respond when your punishment for not memorizing a passage from the holy book was to threaten taking away our education and marrying us off young (and though you’d never have done that we still believed it)? Isn’t our religion one that preaches balance and peace? Why did we turn our noses up at people who were “less religious” than us, then? Why did we not have balance in our views and our lives? Everything was haram, or forbidden. Everything fun and happy. Even when it really wasn’t. We still turned our noses up and condemned those acts as “weak”. Secretly, I envied them; I wished I could go to the movies with my friends and wear a little bit of makeup and trim back my eyebrows. Yes, these may seem petty and insignificant, but when you live everyday in fear that your mother will tell your father and then you’d get beat, it means a lot. These are just some of the reasons why we have turned out the way we have. It’s time to just accept it and keep us in your prayers.

Though I do not have the heart to tell her this face to face, I know she’ll read it here even though I wish she wouldn’t. I know it wasn’t all on her. She tried. She thought she was doing right. But she still bears part of the responsibility in how we turned out. Yes, my father prophecied, almost every day, that we will become infidels and follow satan. And to a child, hearing that daily, well obviously will negatively affect a child’s psyche. No one ever reassured us and said, “You are wonderful, God would be so proud of you.” The damage is done.


Free: Self Depreciation- Needs To Go ASAP!

Free: Self Depreciation- Needs To Go ASAP!

It’s that day every female despises. You wake up not in the best of moods, take a shower, and start getting dressed. After you discard your 5th outfit (yes, you’ve already tried on five- and two pairs of jeans won’t even fit past your thighs) your mind begins to whisper evil things to you.

It starts off simple:

“You’re fat.”

“You’ve gained weight.”

“How does this not fit anymore?”

“What the heck did I used to wear with these pants?”

“I have nothing to wear!”

By now you’re running from your closet to the baskets of clean clothes in the living room and then to the plastic drawers in your bedroom, only wearing a pair of skinny jeans that barely fit and your bra. You’re looking for a shirt that isn’t too loose or too tight to go with the jeans.

It’s cold outside. All the “just right shirts” are sleeveless and summer-y. It rained all night so you can’t wear your loose wider leg jeans because they’ll be soaked in no time.

You wonder if you should just put on gym clothes.

“It’ll encourage me to go to the gym later today,” you think to yourself. But you don’t put the gym clothes on.

As you try on yet another shirt, you look at the mirror and wonder, “Where did this roll come from?”

This is when your mind-demon starts to get extra evil.

“Why is this so hard?”

“You’re disgusting.”

“How’d I let myself get to this?”

“You’re massive.”

“You’re a nasty lump of fat.”

“You’re ugly.”

“I hate my body.”

“I hate myself.”

By this point you’ve degraded yourself so much in your head that you are almost numb to all the hate that is oozing out of your pores. This is normal on a day like this.

You throw off the shirt. Sit down to a breakfast of scrambled eggs and turkey sausage that your boyfriend made you, all the while silently thinking, “I wish starving worked” or “I just want to go live in the gym” or “I may as well give up now.”

After scarfing down the eggs that you didn’t even taste, you go back to a white shirt you tried earlier.

“This’ll have to work. It will cover me up enough that I don’t have to worry about the rolls.”

It’s sleeveless, not too loose but not too snug either, and so you look for a cardigan to keep warm and grab your leather jacket. The cardigan you had in mind is no where to be found.

“Honey, remember picking that cardigan up from the floor yesterday- the black one with the white stripes on the sleeve?”

“Yeah?” he answers from the kitchen.

“Do you know where it went?”

“No… this is why we need to start putting things away right away,” he says distantly.

You ignore the comment. You’re not about to start an argument with him. You’re already upset and if you begin to argue it may get big and ruin his day too.

You can’t find the cardigan. You sit down. Grab your phone and start a blog post about a day like this.

You look at the time. It’s time to go. You rush into your closet, grab a maroon cardigan, put it on and then put your leather jacket over it. You quickly grab your boots and zip them up.

You’re too busy for your mind-demon. He retreats for now, sulking in the back of your mind. He’ll be back later- you just know it. But for now you’re too busy for him. You rush out the door.

Disclaimer: This isn’t a cry for help. These days come and go and usually I’m ok with myself- sometimes even proud of how I look. I just believe that I’m not the only one with demons in my head like this and I wanted to write this to show others that we are not alone. No matter how beautiful we are, our demons will find a flaw. And it’s time to stamp out the demon.