Tag Archives: love

Self Love: Under Construction

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It’s impossible to be 100% confident and secure in yourself 100% of the time. And this week, I hit a few bumps on my continuous journey of self love.

Up until about four or five years ago, I had very little self esteem and zero self worth. The last five years have been a rollercoaster ride as I worked on building a healthier relationship with my body and altering my mindset. In the last year or two, I’ve made great strides.

This does not mean that I don’t have my down days. And yesterday was one of them. I slipped back into my self hating mindset and saw nothing beautiful when I looked in the mirror.

Despite this bout of depressed thinking, I still went to the gym and attempted to go about my day as best as I could.

This morning, I woke up feeling better, but I didn’t forget my relapse. The issue with us is when we relapse we convince ourselves that we slid all the way back to square one and so give up.

But what I’ve learned over the years is that it’s natural to relapse. And it’s ok to feel beat down. However, we MUST keep trying and keep moving forward. My relapses are much shorter now and I don’t slide back as far when I do.

Every new day is just that- a new day. We have to pick ourselves back up, dust off our knees, and keep going because our happiness is at stake.

We only have one body to live in. And one life to live. Love your body and live your life so that in the end one life enough. Self hate has no room here; it may visit once in a while, but it’s never allowed to stay.

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A Relationship That Lasts?

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I’m sure the internet is riddled with formulas and fixes for relationships. I’ve just entered a new relationship after two years of being single. I’m very mindful of my past mistakes. I’m also very aware of my limits and standards. I’ve realized for a relationship to have the potential to last it needs to have the following three traits-

It needs to be mutual. It needs to be healthy. It must be real.

It’s mutual.

I’m realizing in order for a relationship to truly have a chance, we must be on the same page in our expectations and our needs. We have to want similar things. We have to envision a similar future. We also must keep in mind that our needs may change over time. Therefore, we have to consistently check in and communicate these desires with one another. That way we’re able to consciously be mutual in our love.

It’s healthy.

Another thing a relationship must be is healthy. Drama can occur, but it shouldn’t be the norm. We must desire to uplift and nurture one another. We must have that intention behind our actions and our words. Always. Knowing the needs of our partner gives us the key to keeping our relationship healthy. So long as we know what our partner desires we can help motivate and encourage them on that path.

It’s real.

I often get so caught up with my ideal and what I want a person to be that I lose sight of who they really are. That’s why my past relationships failed. I settled for men that were not on my level- in their intellect, in their maturity, nor in their drive or motivation. Therefore, I constantly battled what was real with who I needed them to be. Needless to say, I was consistently disappointed: they never rose to meet my expectations. And I’m glad they couldn’t. Because that opened up the path to finding the man I’m intended for. He surpasses my expectations and matches me in his intellect, his maturity, and his drive. I no longer have to waste my efforts into molding this man into what I need but instead we get to truly enjoy one another for who we actually are. He is real. And I don’t need to adjust my ideals or my expectations. Obviously, in return I must be real; I must be what he needs; and I must also meet the ideals he has for his partner.

All three of these build on one another.

They’re intertwined and interwoven within the fabric of a relationship that has potential.

It’s mutual. It’s healthy. It’s real.

For always.

Balance & Blessings

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Balance & Blessings

In light of what happened recently, I have grown more focused on the blessings I have in my life. I truly believe that there must always be balance in our lives. Otherwise, we’d be thrown into turmoil that often presents itself as stress. And since my uncle and father reached out to me attempting to shame me, I feel surrounded by a lot of negativity.

My effort to balance the negativity out is to focus on the good that is happening around me.

First of all, the astounding supportive response on social media has overwhelmed me with the realization that I am surrounded by positive loving people. For that I am truly grateful.

Second, I have the best boyfriend in the world. Through everything we’ve experienced together, he continues to be understanding and supportive. I have not met and I know I will not come across a better man than he. He is so much more to me than just a boyfriend, he is my partner, my companion, my supporter and my comforter. For him I am truly blessed.

Third, I have a job that I love. This is something I didn’t even know existed last year. Working at the school I did, brought me to the verge of quitting teaching completely. The students at the school I work at today are the best anyone could ask for. I love them very much and if it were up to me, I’d be their English teacher next year and the year after. For them I am truly honored.

Fourth, I have family that are quick to respond and always have my back. Our relationship may not be the best, but I’ve grown to be very appreciative of my sisters and my mother. They have shown that no matter the path I take, and no matter what others may think of us, we are still family and will support each other through the ups and downs. For them I am truly humbled.

Finally, I am reminded each and everyday how blessed I am to be who I am, to have the healthy body that I inhabit, to be of sound mind and clear judgement. This is what affirms to me the existence of a higher being and makes me feel complete. I am grateful for what many take for granted (my health, wealth and wellbeing) and others wish they had. For that I am very thankful.

Shaming

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~Updated~

First, my father hits me up. I haven’t talked to him in at least six years. Out of the blue, he messages me on Facebook. How is that possible? I blocked him on there. And last I talked to him, his message to me was the same:

“I never imagined that your intelligence would lead you to abandon your veil and modesty and to follow satan. Life is short and what’s in store in the afterlife is much better and everlasting. Who is that in your photo? Is he your husband and is he a muslim? I pray for your repentance.”

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No, “Hi there my daughter! I haven’t talked to you in years. How are you? I miss you. What are you doing with your life? How is your career going?” None of that. Because he doesn’t care about his daughter, he only cares about how she will tarnish his already tarnished image.

Then an uncle I haven’t seen or talked to in over eight years, and have never had a relationship with, hits me up on Facebook. (What is up with these relatives and Facebook?)

His message is the same, and much more hurtful: “A black slave is even too much for you (because you deserve nothing), change your name because hell needs more of your kind and his kind for preferring him over your own dad!”

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No, “Hey it’s your uncle in Jordan! How are you? It’s been so long! My kids are in college now! What are you doing with your life? Catch me up on everything you’ve been up to! Who is this handsome man in your pictures? I hope you’re happy together!” Nope, none of that.

My sister recently posted a selfie on Facebook- just a regular one shoulders up with beautiful smile. The same uncle sent her this: “I’m not honored to know someone who mistreats their parents, and those who mistreat their own, will not be of any good to others. You bit the hand that fed you (aka father).” (We’ve both blocked this uncle since these attacks.)

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It just boggles my mind that people who have nothing to do with me or my sister think they have every right to shame us. They were never there for us, so they do not deserve the right to even offer advice. The only thing I can do now is try to live my life and ignore the haters. Even if they are my own flesh and blood. There is no reasoning with them. They’ve never changed and never will.

Promise to myself: I will not be shamed, anymore than I already have, into doing things because “they” tell me. I will not be controlled by misogynistic, racist and sexist men any longer who twist their faith to suit them (I know my religion does not condone any of this behavior). I will continue to be empowered through my faith and lead my life as holistically and lovingly as possible.